Hi D.,
Thank you for your recent email. You're exactly right, God clearly states that He hates divorce (Mal. 2:16) because at least one partner has broken their covenant to the other. Plus, God knows how painful divorce is and how it affects children, families, and society. Clearly, God had better things for us in mind.
Scripture tells us that marriage involves a sacred covenant that is to be honored and upheld. It also indicates that unjustified covenant-breaking is sin and will bear consequences (see Matthew 5; 19; Mark 10; I Corinthians 7).
As you pointed out, the failure rate among stepfamilies is quite high (at least 60% of second marriages fail). Stepfamily marriages should not end either. The primary goal of Successful Stepfamilies is to break the generational cycle of divorce by strengthening stepfamilies. And since divorce seems to beget divorce, this ministry is trying to prevent it; we believe that one of the ways to prevent divorce in the next generation is to prevent redivorce in this generation.
Ron has no greater desire for families than to see first marriages stay intact and thrive and, in fact, he has had the privilege of helping countless couples seek God and restore their first marriage. But, divorce and remarriage is a common occurrence in our culture, and no one is hurt more than the children involved. For those who have divorced and remarried, building a healthy environment is important in order to help children of divorce experience positive methods of communication, conflict resolution, and quality of life. I think just as Jesus didn't turn His back on the woman of five husbands in John 4, but chose to give her the water of life, Ron has chosen not to turn his back on people who have found themselves divorced and remarried. He feels called to strengthen these families in the hope of saving the next generation from divorce.
I'm sorry for any hurt and loss you and your children have endured. The pain of a family torn apart is tremendous and you obviously have been hurt by the actions of others. That is regrettable. We will pray God’s healing grace for you and your household, and that this same grace keeps your heart from anger, bitterness, and judgment.
Finally, our ministry readily acknowledges that Biblical matters related to marriage, divorce, and remarriage are complicated. We don’t pretend to have all the answers and appreciate honest explorations of scripture on this subject. It is our belief that God-fearing people can disagree on some of the specifics and still find a way to offer grace and hope to those who find themselves in stepfamily situations.
We offer a few more points for your consideration:
· You are correct in believing that God’s plan for the family, including one life-long marriage, is best. And yet, what are people to do when life circumstances or their own choices skew that plan? Your email implies that the church should offer no grace, no guidance, no hope. Is that what Jesus brought to the broken and sinful?
· You state, “…why would a Christian devote ministry resources to something that is not part of God's plan?” Given that thinking we should not have divorce recovery ministry, post-abortion ministries, ex-gay ministries, addiction recovery ministries, or parent training for moms who had a child out of wedlock. We should just stop believing in God’s power to redeem what Satan has taken hold of. Isn’t redemption the story of God? For example, consider some of the Biblical characters that God used for his purposes who had sinful marriage choices:
-- Abraham had two wives which resulted in extreme rivalry, bitterness, and family division
-- Jacob had four wives (and a household of jealousy, favoritism, infighting, sibling rivalry, deception, and attempted murder)
-- David (called by God a “man after my own heart”) had at least 8 wives (see I Chronicles 3) including Bathsheba with whom he committed adultery and conceived a child
Notice that during the time of the Old Testament God tolerated men, but not women, having multiple wives (we don’t know why). This is clearly not what God had in mind. Jesus makes it obvious in Matthew 19 and Mark 10 that God never intended for this to be so; He purposed one man for one woman, for life. And yet, God found a way to redeem the lives and families of all those who failed to uphold his ideals.
· Not everyone in a stepfamily is there because of sin. There are many who remarry following the death of their spouse. Wouldn’t you want them to receive support and ministry from the church? Plus, the first marriage for many people is to someone who was divorced—are they to be marginalized from the church as you suggest even though divorce is not part of their life?
· What about people who were abandoned by an unbelieving spouse or were the victim of partner who broke their marriage covenant? God clearly holds the offending party responsible for divorce, not the partner who was the victim of adultery. Jewish divorce certificates, at the time of Moses, gave the victim partner the freedom to remarry. God held himself to this same standard when he divorced Israel for her stubborn adultery. (Yes, God got a divorce. See Jeremiah 3:8 and discussions of God’s divorce to Israel and near divorce to Judah in Ezekiel, Hosea, and Isaiah 54—learn more here). He had the right to marry again—and through the sacrifice of Christ, he married us, the Church (Ephesians 5). “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (I Corinthians 15:57 NIV). (For more on divorce & remarriage in scripture, visit our section of articles on this topic.)
In His Grace,
Successful Stepfamilies
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